"Jazmin, this isn't you."
"Normally, you're not like this."
"I just don't know what to do."
Stuck in a season of stagnancy and flat out struggle, I almost lost it and gave up. I was really down on my luck and couldn't seem to understand how I was just sitting high on the throne of God's grace only to end up back at the bottom with bowed knees.
The life I had known and had really started to grow cozy, confident, and comfortable in, burst in flames. The fire grew quickly, and before I could find an escape it was already too late.
I suffered in silence, per usual. Letting the external struggles that engulfed me tear my internal spirit of positivity and perseverance down to a nub.
I felt like I was in hell, and every now and then I would get the chance to see and feel a little bit of what heaven could be like. Truth is I had become my own worst enemy, I was busy self-sabotaging my own life and didn't even know it. I had slowly veered out of my lane only to end up at a dead end with no service and a soon to be dead phone.
Stuck in a season of stagnancy and flat out struggle. I cried, drying my insides out from the flood gate of tears that just kept coming. My down days had resurfaced, and I was so afraid to acknowledge its returning signs, that it eventually forced my hand to be still.
I was forced to be still, to be stuck and to be stagnant. I was rushing to the pace of my own urgency to succeed I forget to let God guide me.
I was stuck in my own way again and "things take time" was the last thing I was trying to hear. I was trying to move at Godspeed with more emphasis on the speed and less focus on God.
I wasn't hearing God nor even asking God for help and strength to keep going. I was solely fighting a war on my own, that wasn't specifically designed for me to fight by myself.
And what's funny is I didn't even realize it. I had filled my time up with everything that appeased others that no room was left for indulgence and self care of my own. I was distracted by a fast-paced life of deadlines, dates, and dues that seemed infinite. I didn't know how to get back on the lane that aligned me with God's path for my life. I realized I had sold myself short and things would never be the same. That there was no going back to my old life and there was no going back to my old ways.
All that I knew was behind me. I had to start anew. I had to figure out and fix the fucked up behavior I had habitually practiced for the 20 years worth of breath I had in my body. There was no quick fix, excuse or finesse that could be utilized at this crossroads I found myself at.
I could give in, give up or get out. Getting out was the hardest decision of the three, but the fighter in me just couldn't seem to allow myself to give into the ladder.
Stuck in a season of stagnancy and flat-out struggle, God spoke and brought me to my knees. I was humbled, healed and brought to new heights.
The season I sold myself short yielded a renewed dedication to my salvation and a sanctified soul fully trusting of God to guide my steps to substance and success.